lydibug's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Restlessness I have battled with my inner demons and my conscience to the point of near exhaustion. Knowing that in the end, things will not happen as smoothly as I will like them to, but the end must come, and ultimately I am going to have to make a decision. Be it in a day, a month or a year, nobody really knows. But this decision will be a difficult and complicated one. This I have thought over as well. Analyzed it to the point of neutrality just about. And that saddens me. This coupled with the normal tedious things that one must worry about: bills, rent, homework, grocery shopping, laundry, etc., has left me weak and unmotivated. I have poured so much of my heart and soul into everything I do, that I feel I need to recharge in order to regain the passion I once felt about school and work and life. I really need this summer. I need a summer without dramatic conversations with my mother about what the right thing to do is. Those kinds of discussions only seem to allow hours and hours to pass, and in turn, a large portion of my summer will most likely be lost going in such circles. I want to avoid that altogether. I want someone or something to take care of me. To flatter and spoil me. To make me feel as if I am whole and complete and happy and at peace. But at such a young age, I think it would be foolish to expect such a person or thing to come along. It�s all just part of the restlessness that comes along with your twenties. I am longing for these days to somehow smooth themselves out so that I may appreciate them for what they�re worth. I so want these to be the days that I�m looking back and laughing. My inner turmoil needs to be quieted down. The riot of emotions in my head and heart need to cease. Where did all my skater friends go? Where did all of my punk rock and ska shows go? Where did all of my money go? Where did my metabolism go? Why am I doing this to myself? I had an option. I made a choice. I came to the fork in the road and chose the path I thought I wanted to go down. And most of the time I�m pretty happy about that decision. I�ve proved to myself just what I�m capable of and how strong of a person I am. But at the same time, I�m ready for that to be enough. Ready to lay down the heavy burden of adulthood, and just be a careless college student. Bring on the keggers. 8:57 pm - Wednesday, May. 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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